When French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, “Hell is other people,” introverts everywhere enthusiastically nodded in agreement.
I should know. I’m what you call an outgoing-introvert. I’m very social and love meeting new people, but I also crave a lot of alone time. While I’m generally pretty energetic, I have an energy cap when it comes to dealing with people. Chatty texts that don’t really go anywhere and making small talk don’t give me anxiety like some introverts, but they do bore me to no end. The upside to this: I’d much rather meet up in person and talk about big ideas, than make small talk over text or a cup of coffee. Unfortunately though, a lot of my pet peeves are essentially what dating involves.
If you’re in a similar position, fear not. You can still have a fun, productive dating life if you’re introverted. Here are some helpful workarounds that will help you get the most out of online dating as an introvert.
1. Make your own rules.
“Dating is a numbers game!”
“Put yourself out there!”
“Go out with as many people as possible!”
Sound familiar? The first step to getting the most out of online dating as an introvert is to ignore this kind of one-size-fits-all dating advice. Failure to do so will make you feel anxious because you think you should be doing stuff that – let’s face it – you don’t want to do. Instead, make your own rules. Sure, “dating is a numbers game” and you will probably go on dates with a bunch of duds before you find someone you really like, but you get to decide what number you’re comfortable with. Whether it’s going out with someone new once a week, once a month or something in between, ignore the noise of traditional dating advice and trust that you know what works best for you.
2. Meet on your own turf.
A good tip for reducing anxiety is to meet somewhere that you’re already comfortable. If I’m meeting my date at a bar, cafe or restaurant where I already know the menu and am comfortable with the surroundings, I find it’s so much easier to just relax into the experience and focus on the other person. It’s so much better than spending half the date trying to figure out what I’m going to order.
3. Reframe how you think of small talk.
Small talk has a purpose. I promise. Although the “So, what do you do? Where did you go to school?” line of questioning may seem boring and superficial, it’s not supposed to be profound. It’s simply there to establish a rapport with the other person, so you can gradually move on to bigger and more in depth topics. Want to make small talk more bearable? Ask your date questions and let them do the talking. If they have good social skills, they’ll ask you questions in return so that you’re not stuck feeling like you have to volunteer random information about yourself. If they ask you something about yourself, keep the conversation rolling by asking them a question next. Bonus: you might actually learn something interesting about each other.
4. Be honest about your introversion.
It’s okay to tell your date, “Hey, I’m an introvert.” Same goes for being nervous about the date in general. A lot of people will misinterpret introversion or shyness as disinterest. Putting it on the table and sharing with your date that you feel a certain way is a great way to help dissipate that feeling.
5. Call and cancel if you have to.
If you’ve already expended all of your dating energy for the day/week/month, don’t push yourself to go on dates when what you’re really craving is some time to recharge. You don’t need to offer a long explanation, you can just say that you really need to reschedule and suggest a time and place. Don’t feel guilty. Knowing your limits and setting healthy boundaries with yourself is what self-love is all about.
6. Say no to FOMO.
It’s easy to catch a case of FOMO (fear of missing out) while online dating. There’s just so many options online and as a single person, you’ll probably be faced with lots of different opportunities to go out to meet new people. It’s okay to say no to the ones that you’re not enthusiastic about. That doesn’t make you bad at dating, it just means you know yourself and your limits. When it comes to evaluating your dating options, if it’s not an enthusiastic “heck yes!” it’s a soft no. Stick to your own rules and you’ll be fine.
