It’s no secret that being single can be a lot of fun. It’s a chance to enjoy your freedom, get to know yourself, develop your interests and nurture your friendships, without ever having to worry about factoring a significant other into the picture. That said, there is nothing worse than being single when you don’t want to be. For those of us who still haven’t met our person, it’s so easy to fall down a rabbit hole and get stuck on the question: “why not me?”
To gain some insight, I spoke to Kenny Mammarella D’Cruz, a personal development consultant and self-proclaimed ‘Man Whisperer.’ Navigating issues like wealth embarrassment and the inevitable mid-life crisis, Kenny employs a wide variety of unique techniques to get to the heart of who you really are. While he mostly works with men (hence, his moniker), a lot of what he had to say applies to anyone regardless of their gender.
If you feel like you’re always unlucky in love and you aren’t exactly sure why, here’s a few things that could be keeping you single.
- Fear of intimacy –
Let me know if this sounds familiar: While you love dating and have no issue becoming physical with the person you’re seeing, the idea of being truly vulnerable with another person kind of freaks you out. As Mammarella D’Cruz explains, “intimacy isn’t just about sex. It can be about being seen for who you really are; the good, the bad and the beautiful. If you are scared of emotional intimacy and being vulnerable with someone, you’ll leave them with little choice but to move on, because it can get cold being left outside.”
- Too picky –
“It is undoubtedly important that you find the right person for you, but if you spend your life in fear of ending up with the wrong person, or using that as an excuse for not opening up and taking part, you’ll never notice the beauty passing in front of you,” says Mammarella D’Cruz. If your online dating profile consists of a very detailed list of qualifications that reads more like a high-pressure job application or you’re only willing to date people who fall in a certain height/weight/income bracket, there’s a chance that you’re so caught up in your own narrow expectations that you’re missing out on meeting people who might actually be right for you.
- Scared of being hurt –
I get it. Dating is scary. Making yourself vulnerable is scary. “It is completely natural to fear being hurt; particularly if it has happened it the past,” says Mammarella D’Cruz. However, allowing yourself to become paralyzed by this fear only does you a disservice. If you want to find a relationship, you need to “feel the fear and do it anyways” and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
- You’re not over your ex –
Do you catch yourself comparing everyone you date to your ex? Do you find yourself inserting your ex into random conversations? If yes, it’s a sign that you’re not over your last relationship. Mammarella D’Cruz suggests, “make time to grieve for the loss of love and tend to your broken heart until you’re ready to come out the other side ready for love into action.”
- Clarity –
Lastly, you can’t get what you want until you have a very clear idea of what exactly it is you want. If you feel like you’re always bouncing from date to date or relationship to relationship without much success, it’s time to get serious about what you’re actually looking for from a partner. “Be clear about how you want to live your life. Be clear in your mind and heart about the sort of partner you wish to attract, the sort of person you want to be and the daily life you want to live. How does it feel?” says Mammarella D’Cruz. Like attracts like. With clarity, it becomes that much easier to attract the right person.